Thursday, August 20, 2009

He Wants to Cheat With Me...Again.

He's back...and my mind (and body) is all wrapped up with even more dirty thoughts.

Dillion, if you can remember from the the very dirty, "Oh, Dirty Girl", had quit about two months ago which was sort of a sigh of relief as once we had fucked, I found out that he hadn't broken up with his girlfriend before our little tryst as I had been led to believe and that they were still very much together. Though I was cheating on my then boyfriend, Horns, as well I still felt very bad about unintentionally being "that girl" in the cheating situation.

 I had gotten over it and had written it off as yet another somewhat hasty and uninformed mistake.

Well, my relief was cut short a few days ago when upon coming into work ready to arm my bar and ready to once again dispense a load of lovely liquors, Dillion was standing in the kitchen, in uniform, and apparently re-hired and on the clock.


Now its not as if I'm not mature enough to be able to be around him in a professional (or as professional as we ever are when working in our restaurant) manner or that I dislike him; we worked together for several months after our playtime and everything was pretty much smooth...its the fact that I look at him and think,

Oh fuck, you have been inside of me and while I'm slightly disturbed to be around you, I wonder if it would only be better if both of us were not drunk, if it wasn't behind a bar at 3 am in a ditch and we were coherent enough to really take care in our mechanations. 

My minds falls off the face of the earth with thoughts of heavy breathing, ripped clothing, teeth against his skin and the glisten of something on my lips.

I literally forget whats going on and I have snap myself back to the present, Two sweet teas and a diet coke to table # 302, don't forget extra lemons.

I try so hard not to imagine him slamming into me, my hands grasping the nearest sturdy object to steady myself and crying out while his hands cut into me, their strong grip working with his rhythm to propel both of our satisfaction factors.

Just stop! Bread to bar top # 110.

It doesn't help the situation that at every chance he gets, he makes comments designed to take me by surprise and crack my cool veneer of indifference.

He leans his faces towards me and over the back of my neck as I lean over a computer inputting an order,

Oh hey, is that you that smells so good? I thought it might be.

When I comment that the restaurant has been a very unpleasant place to work in during the summer and that I'm pretty down about it,

Don't worry. Im here again, I'll make it fun for you.

As the dinner rush presses down on us and I'm whipping out martini's, whiskey sours, and draft suds,

You're really doing a great job Petite, you really are.

As I comment to another on how I can no longer do favors for people when I bar-tend outside of my assigned duties,

But I really like favors.

 ....and all with a husky intonation, a drop of the chin and a tilt up of his eyes.

I'm not the type of girl to let a guy get to me and have me flustered, but its difficult to not be somewhat, and painfully swayed when your internal thoughts are being reinforced by the very focus of them.

I understand that its wrong to feel this way about someone who is in a relationship, a relationship that you've already helped to secretly undermine but it feels like its a totally uncontrollable carnal, physical attachment that I just can't put in a box and lose somewhere dark and undisturbed in the depths of my mind where it won't affect me.

A good way I've been looking at it is that I've already been there done that and should feel like that conquest is out of my system....its not working too well for me though.

Though I've had other men in my bed (though in this case, hes never technically been in my bed) since him and have felt satisfaction with them, his energy still lingers and though it could be the haze of alcohol that made it seem more adventurous and fun, my mind has a hard time not going back to that experience and also to thoughts of other possible future events.

I would hope, though it would desperately hurt my pride, that if I propositioned him with my thoughts and my body he would push me away for the benefit of his long-time girlfriend (who I just learned tonight is possibly his soon-to-be fiance). It would kill, but I would definitely feel a bit of respect for him and breathe a sigh of relief for her.

On the other hand, if he felt the same as I so, we would probably rip each other to shreds in our lust and haste to satiate whatever is fueling this attraction. The bad part of this is that this outcome would make my body and lustful mind very fulfilled, at least for a little while. Oh, the guilt.

So while I have these thoughts rattling around in my little brain, I'll hope that either they fade or he goes away again...however, I don't know which one is worse.