Self Portrait: "Softly Sexed"
My body was heat and exquisite pain not moments ago but as I lie here, my body all undone, my mind all pinpoints of light and cool existence I feel untangled and uncomplicated and sexy in a sloppy, ignorant-of-myself way. Each smile feels like the first and best and seems to fill my whole heart. Each laugh seems to fill my lungs and vibrate over my vocal chords as it bubbles up dreamily into the atmosphere of this bed.
I'm all limbs and petal soft skin under the thin, warm sheet and there is no want or need in me but the girlish desire to languish in this non-reality forever and a day. Here you are mine and I am yours, not like in life where I am alone and you are married to some other woman.
My guilt is pushed far back and gone and I giggle as if I didn't have this crashing weight of sin on my shoulders. In this moment, God forgives me for trespassing upon the sacred chain he placed around you and another woman when you promised "...til death do us part."
I roll closer to you and I sigh, your hands sliding over your favorite parts as you look into my eyes. I close them again and when I hear your voice its like its the only one I've ever heard, I feel that I could listen forever but when you ask me a question, my answer is all I have in the world. My mind is open and expanded and my words come in falls of my beloved collegiate level vocabulary in an amused yet droll tone.
I let my own hands trail down my body and look over at you, your eyes on those hands on that body of mine and you close your mouth and I know you want to take me again because now its quiet; something has swept over our sweet moment and flipped it back to the carnal, back to my cross to bear.
As you pull me up against you and grab my hips as you take me again, my eyelids flutter, my hands grasp at the white linen and as a moan is ripped from my throat, I whisper to myself,
"O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again"
My hair hangs down in curtains as I imagine they protect from judgment as my body betrays my piety and yet again lets me down. I feel no pain, no regret, no morality in this moment when you become a part of me, when you take me, when you penetrate me, when you purge me, when you own me, when you...
I lay down again after the crashing wave takes you, and I look over at you and I wonder if you think of her as you fuck this young girl with pale, milky skin, long hair, rose bud lips, and eyes like a cat. I wonder if you apologize every time you slip yourself into another one of us, your passions ending up on our faces, our breasts, across our lips or deep inside of us.
I wonder if she knows or if she even cares that your fidelity means about as much as a penny someone drops but doesn't care enough about to spend the five seconds it would take to pick it up.
I wonder if this is her punishment; I wonder if it yours.
I wonder if its mine.
Romeo: "Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged."