I realize that more of what I write about tends to now reflect my present as opposed to my past, as the line of the blog extends.
So I intend to right this....With this post.
Robert was a handyman working around the house for my family doing minimal little things that flashy women like my mother cant lower themselves enough to do. Things such as painting little imperfections in our supposedly immaculately decorated walls, clearing out bugs, doing electrical work, fixing broken whatevers. He was like our house elf who peacefully left each day and left us in quiet reflection in our suburban home.
Normally I have this attraction to in-home people and it seems a trend seeing as how I've played with my cable guy, a mail man (not mine!), septic tank dude, the pizza delivery guy, a title installer and an electrician. And its not as if I met these men out of my house, they just came to me as I rambled through my corridors humming to myself and -Whoosh!- there's a beautiful man standing before me.
Its really always been like magick to me.
At 16 when I was a virgin though, everything seemed magick to me about my interactions with men I suppose.
So it seemed to reason that Robert too would suffer the plight of my ever-present though at the time subconscious, in-home handyman type person fetish. He wasn't especially witty nor charming, nor was he a very tall or fit person, but his eyes were what got me. His eyes were sparkling green and so piercing that you would actually forget what you were thinking about if you looked into them.
At night I would think of what to do, would I engage him, or would I leave him alone? Would I remain the girlish Lolita, or the Lolita that laid with Humbert and looked into his eyes and made him surrender? I was puzzled and perplexed and after a certain point all of the thinking got to me and I decided to just let it flow fluidly to its end and destiny.
One night when he was finishing something in the backyard, I came out and dangled my legs in the pool watching him tinker in his immaculately organized toolbox. I looked out at the water and the sky and then I realized I heard no more tinkering. I looked to my left, Robert wasn't tinkering, nor was he looking at the water nor the sky - he was looking at me.
There was just a bit of caramel infused light that came in from the large double glass sliding doors that lead to the house to lend a golden color to his already mind numbing eyes. I laughed to cover my surprise and bewilderment and began,
So Robbie, what seems so interesting about boring little me tonight?
His expression became less carefree and more serious as his mind flipped to relay his thoughts,
I just really don't know if I can work for your mom anymore, its just getting more and more difficult.
I laughed, completly ignorant to his meaning,
But you just do normal easy house type things, how could it be getting harder?
He stood and looked down at me where I half lounged by the pool,
No, not the jobs. Having to be around you and not slip up and do something I might regret.
He took the five or six steps necessary to close the gap between us and half knelt in that way construction type guys do, his face just a tad bit above mine, his eyes blaring down at me. He smiled, he closed his eyes in what seemed a prayer and after opening them once again, his huge, calloused hand met my face, his strong hand cupping gently by my cheek and coming down to cradle my chin.
I breathed out deeply and looked at him, his grief stricken face melting in complex thought, his expression unable to relay his mind's lightening retinue of processes. When I smiled he somewhat lightened his eyes, but they were ever as steadfast in their existence of amazement. At least to me.
But it was only he and I.
When his lips touched mine I was so filled with shock that the moment was lost on me and all my careful thought and planning fell out the window like so many fragile eggs. I pulled back once it had ended and looked at him, my fingers quickening to my lips, touching them gently, with disbelief.
It wasn't as if the love of my life had just kissed me and I felt such overwhelming love and power that my life was now complete and I was lost to the interaction, I just never had felt his eyes on me the way I always do with men. I had never felt his deceit as he possessed my body with his fantasies as he plastered the baseboards or rewired the ceiling fans. His mind was like a steel trap that my feminine wiles couldn't penetrate, or least my intuitive ones.
I stood up without a word, pat him on the shoulder, smiled and padded softly to the sliding glass doors. As I slid them open I looked over my shoulder and spoke to him before entering,
Don't worry, this isn't bad, I just have to think on some things.
The next day, I snapped on my black bikini and hoped in the pool before he arrived, knowing that the backyard would be his assignment for the whole day. When he turned the back corner of the house and saw me peacefully lulling about in the pool, he smiled brightly, but then caught himself like a naughty child stealing icing from a freshly baked cake.
I watched him for a while, my arms folded on the side of the pool, supporting my lower half as it floated about in the blue water. He stopped for a moment and presumably feeling my eyes, turned and came over, kneeling again like he had the night before. I hoped he could see the outline of my eyes hidden behind big brown sunglasses, de riguer for the summer bikini clad teen. I reached my damp hand out and pulled his hand down to the water, his fingertips submerging. I turned in the water and treaded and looked over my shoulder, floating over the back tie for him to pull.
My mind quivered as I panicked, thinking what I would do if he didnt get my message when I felt the distinctive tug and then the release as the sodden fabric loosened from my breasts. I swam away and under the water, letting the top fall away over my head as I dove down deep. When my hands touched the bottom of the pool, I kicked up powerfully, my top half popping out of the water like a dolphin, just as I wanted.
I could hear his laughter as I swam back over to him, my half nudity freeing me in the water. Once again I came over to where he knelt and grabbed onto the edge of the pool with one hand, the other hand busied itself with the ties on the side of my bikini bottoms. Once freed, they too floated away, liberated by the sparking water to go on vacation.
I knew it was complete folly to swim naked in my pool in day light an in public, seeing as how my backyard is water and doesn't have a privacy fence. Though I was contented and having fun swimming about like nature intended with a man watching me, cultivating thoughts. I swam to the stairs and pulled my towel up and above the line of water as I stepped out, concealing my nudity and wrapping the soft warmth around me as I walked toward the house.
I looked to the pool and laughed when I saw the two pieces of my bikini in the water, without my body to cling to. Robert watched me laugh and when I motioned for him to follow me, he hesitated but his final urges got the best of him and slowly followed after me as I slipped in to the airconditioned haven of my bedroom.
It felt ceremonial to step into my room, drop the towel on the floor and lie naked on the bed, knowing he was on the way, twenty steps behind. I lay like Cleopatra perhaps, on my stomach with my arms folded beneath my face, my hip slightly turned so that my body curved like a snake. When I saw him looking at me, I felt almost like this was the moment that would send me to hell.
I was damned and my own actions threw me there. Though, I cant say that I regret it.
He sat on the edge of the bed, not touching me, but just looking and taking in the moment. His hands finally slid over my shoulders, down my back, over my bottom to my thighs, my calves and finally his strong hands rubbed at my small feet. I sighed so heavily, my lungs fell beneath me and when I turned, Robbie didn't know what to do with himself. He sighed as well, his facial expression so troubled.
His hands slipped over the tops of my shoulders and down my arms, the moisture still lurking there from the pool water like little beads. He used both of his hands to touched my stomach, caressing my skin delicately, innocently it seemed.
But like most men I've encountered, he began to slip on his control, he wanted more than just grammar school level petting. His lips slipped to mine and pressed so passionately, a sigh bubbling up in my throat behind our kiss. His hands wandered to my breasts and when his lips replaced his hands, he looked up at me with his eyes and I too found myself lost.
I arched my back with the excitement and that's when it snapped. Robert lurched up and stood, almost like he hand been burned, his body tense and seemingly upset. He rubbed his hands over his face, and spoke soft words,
This is bad, this can't happen. I mean you're a girl, you're a beautiful, sexy, womanly little girl. I just cant do this, I'm sorry.
And with that, he went outside, collected his tool box and left my house. I lay with a scrunched and troubled brow. What the hell just happened? My mind wandered and split several times, but the moment had left and now all I felt was bitter resentment and abandon. I showered and thought of why it had failed, the moment hadn't carried him like others before him.
I resigned to not think on it anymore. But apparently Robert did, I never saw him again as he called my mother later that night and told her that he had been given a full time job as an electrician somewhere. My mother had congratulated him and then busied herself with finding another house-elf.
Though, for me it was clarifying, I had found a truly good man....Or so it seemed.