Thursday, April 17, 2008

A Damaged Girl

This week, I came upon a moving entry from one of my favorite bloggers who I recently found, CCG at Confessions of a College Callgirl.

She spoke about a subject in her post entitled "Sick and Sad" which is close enough to my heart to have nearly ripped it from my chest.

The above is a piece of my original photo-art, entitled, of all things, "Damaged Girl".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------


She, like I, was wounded at a young age with abuse and has all of her life lent upon the unsteady flow of attention from men to keep her bruised ego floating on the surface of her problems. She wrote the most touching blog entry which got me thinking in a far more personal way (as if my sexual life weren't personal enough) than I usually do for this blog. She, in many ways, is my mirror image.

Even with all of the joy in my life and even though I know I'm living the life I was meant to, it still mangles my heart when I think of all of the sorrow I've endured on the way to my life now. My life is beautiful most of the time, but there's still pain.

I have been the first to admit that Im a severely wounded person. Physically, emotionally, chemically, sexually and all other ways possible. Its been a hard road to the point of understanding that not everything in life is supposed to be like the beautiful films they make in Hollywood.

My mother told me that in life you can be and do anything you want to in life and that happiness is everywhere you look; the next day I was raped, and all this at only age thirteen.

I feel like I have to put up colored screens in front of my emotions, just so people will like me. I'm the sunny girl that everyone knows who would do just about anything for a friend. I bake cookies and cakes and sing and dance and act and paint. I smile and giggle and walk with a bounce that makes my ponytail sway and sometimes I want to hurl myself off of the 17th Street Causeway Bridge and drown.

The charade can only go on for so long before it begins to break.

Its hard to be so honest and dark when every waking hour is spent trying to convince yourself that everything is ok.

I've tried to keep this blog light and sexy and carefree because thats what people want to read...right?

I'm and intelligent, loving, pretty, education oriented young woman and God help me when my mind starts to stray to the sadder parts of my memory banks. I've spent so much time and energy doing things that increase my self-formed conception of my eality and it hurts so much to know that most of my self esteem has been rested in the palms of the countless strangers I've allowed to sully the sanctity of my body.

A glance from a man I'll never see again has meant more than any platitude given to me by a best friend. Its such an awful circle. I don't give compliments easily because somewhere I have the sick misconception that somehow it will deplete my stores of the ego bolstering compliments I myself have received.

Think of all the moments I'll never get back because of my insecurity about my body, my perception of my levels of popularity and desire. My thoughts mirror those of CCG's so closely that it aches far too much to even go back over what she's posted so I can relate my own side on all of it.

All of my relationships have been made in an effort to kindle the never-ending longing for love and companionship Ill never truly feel because deep down I loathe all men because I've seen their most brutal and disturbing side in the faces of nameless criminals who have defiled and bruised me. How could I love someone who resembles my biggest nemesis?

I seduce all of my male friends to give them just a taste that will keep them at my side like weeping puppies, jut for the satisfaction it gives me. The most fearful part of this detail is that its become a sad addiction of sorts, completely beyond my control, like a subconscious neural reflex. I hurt them first so they don't have the chance to hurt me back, and so continues the vicious circle of insane reciprocity.

I hope that somehow and in some way that eventually I'll find a way to cull these pains, but until then I wander ceaselessly like a love-starved infant. How can I start to build my own identity outside of the unfulfilling momentary acceptance I get from countless, meaningless exchanges?

With each glance and with each fumbled tryst I lose more and more of myself, where will it end, if ever?

.........
...

16 comments:

GotMalkAvian said...

You know, it may seem like a simple solution, but you could always start keeping another blog for your less happy thoughts. I may not speak for everyone who reads your blog, but I'm just as interested in your downs as your ups. As I said in my last comments, I realize that there's more than a sexy body at the keys, and I'm interested. I genuinely care about people, it's just in my nature. Many of them are just passing acquaintances, and never know how much I care. Sometimes, however, I get a chance to reach out. I think the anonymity of the internet makes it that much easier to reach out. You have no idea who I am. If you want, I could automatically be your best friend, or your worst enemy.
If you ever want someone to talk to - someone who, by my very nature and geographical distance, you can't really seduce and then hurt- feel free to ask me. I can't really promise anything, but I've got a pair of ears (or eyes, I suppose, what with the internet and all...) to lend.
PwH,
Shaun

P.S. Thanks for the link to CCG. Looks like I've got another blog to keep track of now...

Anonymous said...

can i say that i agree with this guy?

maybe you just need to vent?

la petite dévergondée said...

Thanks GMA,

I really do get time to "vent" as it were to my few good friends, theyre golden and I agree that everyone needs to voice off to be well in the mind.

I think that most of the time I am truly a happy, free girl but then you have a few dark reminders like CCG's post that can just pull out all of the sadness.

Though I've been through some very hard times and I have problems (find me someone who doesn't have problems and he can king of the universe) I'm coping and growing up everyday as best I can.

I think my sad streak is part of me, for better or worse and plus, don't they say the best writers are internally tortured? It helps the artistic flow. :)

-la petite

single gal said...

Write anything that you feel comfortable sharing with your readers!
Like you read CCG's article and realized you were not alone, others can do the same with your writing.

Take care hun.
~sg

GotMalkAvian said...

If I found someone without problems, he'd be the last person I'd choose to be king of the universe...

la petite dévergondée said...

SG! Ive missed you so much! How are you?

GotMalk, why is that? I mean if someone didnt have problems, then they would have more time to think about how to rule the world efficiently, no?

-la petite

Teddy said...

hows your mood today? good? up and down?

were all like that sweetie

GotMalkAvian said...

The reason I wouldn't want someone without problems to rule the universe is simply because they wouldn't have an understanding of us or the way we work. Like, I don't like the idea of a perfect, omnipotent God, but I love the idea of the Greek pantheon and all their hang-ups and flaws. Somehow, I'd just much rather be governed by someone/something who knows how I feel and how I work.

Anonymous said...

I don't remember you're talking about being raped...

Douchegirl said...

First time reader. Loved this entry and I will definitely come back for more. I have the same fucked up thinking pattern as you and CCG. Maybe someday I'll be able to muster the strength to write about it too.

Madame Dragonfly said...

Always write for yourself and not others. It is not worth anything to be false. People will love you with whatever you have to say.

Catalina Ramirez said...

I also read the CCG blog. It's great.

The unfortunate result of my work in the sex industry has been my extreme distrust of men. It would be really difficult for me to trust most men after my experiences.

la petite dévergondée said...

Thanks so much ladies, your words so more than you know to life me up. :)

Much love -la petite

Cerulean Bill said...

People do want to read light and breezy things, its true. But when they care about you -- even when they don't know anything more about you than what they read in your blog -- they WILL read more serious material. As I think some of the other comments show...

I don't know you, but I'm sorry for what you've experienced. I hope that recovery -- sure, solid recovery -- occurs for you.

la petite dévergondée said...

Thanks Bill,
Yeah the comments definitely do show how much I've gotten into people's heads that they care about me.

Thank you for your support :)

-la petite

Clem said...

I just saw this post, and my jaw dropped. It so mingles and swirls inside the thoughts and actions of the woman I knew so briefly for abut 6 mos. I wondered why, why, she fought to destroy the wonderful, sensuous, erotic parings we had.
I see her in you, you in her, and it helps me understand. I wondered many times since then if she too had been molested.
I'm embarrassed and ashamed to say that she sucked me in and I became a part of her continued subterfuge, lies and her conditioned response. To read comments from others that they hate men, they hate what men do to them, makes me sad, angry and hurt; all I wanted to do was please, show my feelings, support and be the lover that I am.
It may be a trite statement, but there are men that care, that want just to be supportive and give you pleasure.
I hope you can excise your demons.