Thursday, April 24, 2008

Am I or Aren't I?

If you sob when the man you've been involved with seriously for nearly two years is in the process of making love to you, could it mean that you're going through a sexual crisis?

Well if the answer is yes, then I'm in serious trouble.

A few weeks back, Gadget and I were near splitting but in the end it sort of resolved itself, if not for the sake of the relationship, then for the sake of both of our mental states. Were both going through big changes and overthrows in our lives and perhaps we just wanted to edit the drama down for the meantime. Sound depressing? It is, but mostly confusing.

Mirror Image: Two lips kissing of the same persuasion
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I'm having some mixed up feelings and thoughts pour through my mind that are confusing, tantalizing, frightening, hot, dangerous, anti-normal and just plain naughty; I cant stop thinking about girls.

Day and night, in my sleep, as I work, as I paint (naked girls), when I'm reading, its just overwhelming. Now my issue is not the fact that I'm fantasizing about girls, I've been with girls even longer than I have with men during the evolution of my sexual life but its the fact that I haven't really been fantasizing about men. Usually its a fifty/fifty thing, but lately its around eighty/twenty.

I identify with the gay community, all of my friends are gay men and I feel comfort knowing that I have huge gay tendencies. So wheres the problem? I'm afraid that if I "come out" and one day go back to a man, or randomly hook-up with one as I often do (but haven't done since Aaden) that I'll be seen as a hypocrite, which is personally one of the most horrible things to be.

So why not just stay labeled as "Bi"? I don't know, but somehow it doest seem honest, somehow it doesn't speak for the reality thats raging in my mind. I know that I will be with another man again (hell, I am still with a man) but it seems a discourtesy to whatever girl I'm with to be Bi, like I'm not putting in as much as she is.

My fantasies have ranged from just those of sexual satisfaction to a relationship, the latter having not been something I've ever thought of. I have thoughts of kissing this mystery chick and holding her, cuddling with her and going out, being a real couple. Its a little bit scary because it threatens everything I thought my life would be once I "grow up".

Though I'm a bit of an anti-establishment shit, I still have the mind set that once I'm older, I'll get married 9to a man), have children, work and be an upstanding American. It sounds ridiculous but Its just how my mom raised me to think, and though I don't think it will actually happen like that, it still is always there lurking in my subconscious.

I've realized how easy it is to just be a young, straight girl living in the U.S.. I've taken it for granted really.

It's so easy to just let everyone think you're "normal". They ask you how your boyfriend is, how school is, how your friends are and everything is just fine; imagine what it would be like if my mother's elderly friends were to ask me how my boyfriend is and I have to say,

"Well, she's not exactly a "boy"friend."

I admit its a horrible way of thinking, especially since I recognize my mostly homosexuality and I see what goes on in the lives of my outed friends. I need a burst of courage maybe or perhaps to be slapped to a realization.

Its funny isn't it? The neighborhood slut is thinking that perhaps she's gay?

Its isn't really all that though maybe, maybe I just need to get my sex on with a girl again, god knows its been a while. Maybe I'm just taking out my relationship problems in this way.

Maybe this whole thing is just hormonal and will die down soon, but for now I'm going through one heavy duty mind fuck and need some clarity.

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10 comments:

Fat Controller said...

Categories such as 'straight', 'gay', 'Bi', 'poly' or whatever are only ever inadequate labels resulting from our natural human desire to categorise and see order in things. They are not compartments into one of which you have to be squeezed no matter how awkward the fit; we are not machines but complex individuals. There are as many different types of sexual experience as there are people in this world. To have a bisexual facet to your sexuality and yet be drawn to embark on an exclusive relationship with one person, whether male or female, is not hypocritical. What would hypocritical would to deny your nature. Be open and honest with your partner and with yourself. If (s)he cannot accept you as the complex and unique individual that you are then maybe that relationship is not meant to last.

Jefferson said...

It's a common stereotype about bisexuals that we can't really commit to a monogamous relationship because we'll always be pining for whatever gender that relationship excludes.

T'aint necessarily so. No more so than when a heterosexual commits to monogamy and foregos other partners.

Whether you are committed to a man or to a woman, there's no reason you can't give it your all.

la petite dévergondée said...

Awe thanks guys, youre my favorite little cheerleaders. :)

I completely agree though, its just that when you get on a line of thought it'll burn you up if you focus so fully on it.

-la petite

Junior said...

your images say a lot on their own and fits perfectly with your thoughts. thanks for sharing petite. guess what...i got that book you suggested to me. it very interesting. there is already a lot of things i didn't know in the 1st chapter. thanks for helping me. jose (joe)

p.s. hablas muy bien an espanol... haha. also...just wanted to to say that your images are very fine and artistic. like i mentioned earlier...they literally speak on their own.
always, jose

GotMalkAvian said...

I'm with fat controller.
Furthermore, I used to date a bi girl who was afraid to date me because she thought she'd be betraying the gay community... She was afraid that people would look at her and say that being bi was just a phase. Now, she's married to a guy (not me, but the guy she met after me... I swear, I'm like Good Luck Chuck...), has a good job, and two kids she loves.
In the end, fuck what everyone else thinks. No one else can make you happy. When it comes down to it, you always need to do what's right for you. Hopefully you'll figure out just what that is.
PwH,
Shaun

P.S. If you do hook up with another girl, you'd better write an entry about it!

la petite dévergondée said...

Jose,

That book is very interesting and even if at times the writer sounds like he's being pig-headed, its not just about entrancing girls to like you to sleep with you. Its mostly about entrancing them to like you as first impression so that they have the opportunity to get to know you and like you for who you are.

Its all about social interaction which at times is harder than anything else in the world to learn if you haven't been born with the god-given talent. Lord knows I've not always been a social butterfly. :)

Thanks for the compliment on my photos, they're my big love.

GotMalk:

Haha, don't worry, I will and I think it'll be soon, Gadget and I just had a record breaking "discussion" (thats a fight where you don't yell) and I;m on the edge of my patience with this drama.

Much love to you all, la petite

single gal said...

I cried a lot during/after sex at the end of my relationship.
It just felt forced (not forced upon, but a forced situation) and there was really nothing there.
Take care hun
~sg

la petite dévergondée said...

Yeah sg,

I identify with that, the fact that its just a forced situation, like you have to sleep with them.

The duality of it too is that I'm still as much of a little nympho and I still need and crave as much sexual attention as ever but since were still committed, he's the only one I can go to for it (if you don't count the fact that I slept with Aaden in New York, but I told him that he couldn't hold me accountable for whatever happened in NYC over New Years).

Its just hard. -la petite

Sasha Sappho said...

Damn. I had a giant comment posted, and then blogger decided to delete it. Fabulous.

Anyways, the bulk of it was letting you know that you're not alone in how you feel. In fact, everything you've written here bears an eerie resemblance to what I'm going through at the moment (with the notable exception that you're in a relationship, and I'm not...although I can imagine how that would complicate things). I totally agree with you that it sometimes feels like a betrayal of the queer community to identify as bisexual. I'm more hesitant to come out as such to my queer friends than I am to straight friends. Bisexuality in general has gotten such a rap for being "just a phase" that I don't think many people really consider it a valid identity in the same way as gay, or lesbian, or transgender. Which is really a shame because I certainly hold it as an identity.

Of course, conventional wisdom dictates that you're only "really" bisexual when you're single, since if you're dating a man, you're straight and if you're dating a woman, you're a lesbian. Of course, I think that's basically a crock of shit. (Pardon my French.) It just seems ironic that this label that is supposed to, technically, indicate a wider array of options actually limits us and pigeon-holes us into spaces in which we aren't comfortable.

I apologize for the rant - just know that I sympathize with you entirely.

la petite dévergondée said...

Thanks love, I have to agree with you on feeling like people come down on like I'm a foolish little girl when I tell them that I'm Bi. Its unfair as I too identify perfectly with its label.

I found a remedy though: I just tell people that I'm pansexual. It works and its true! :)

-la petite