Although I've always been known as the "historian" of my family as I'm the one that snaps the photos, the one who documents things in my calendar and the one who designs the extravagant scrapbooks, I have a hard time putting the pieces of my own history together into a logical time line that is completely accurate.
I'm getting lost down the rabbit hole as far as my erotic history is concerned and I need to figure it all out.
The reason this is so important to me is that I hate confusing dates and people and events so much, its one of my obsessive flaws that I've never been able to break. I always want to have things filed straight in my own mind.
standing still on a distant shore...
The problem here is that all of my romantic/sexual/hedonistic adventures and experiences all pretty much butt right up to one another as far as a time line is concerned; I'm just one of those girls who seems to be able to flit from lover to lover without all of that messy grieving and such.
I could be with Man A on Monday, like where its going and yet a week later after its lost its enchantment, I'll be with Man B on Sunday next and then Man C on Tuesday once I realized that Man B couldn't kiss very well.Or like with Gadget, I was seeing a long time friend intimately about a week after I ended our very serious two year relationship.
I believe I just think, Well that didn't go so well, let's try again, and I don't make a big issue out of it. It's not out of being shrewd and heartless but it goes by the fact that I am very analytical and straight-forward where my relationship coping skills are concerned.
While I'm mostly thankful for this, this ability/handicap makes it so much easier to be a rampant slut.
Why am I like this, do you ask?
I think it may well be because I am not one of those people who sits around regretting decisions, nor one who is willing to sit around and drown in one's sorrow. I like to take each experience in my life and consider it a learning/life experience, to heighten the positive and move on. While this makes things easier to view them in this way, I have at times tended to fall toward the negative side and this too has propelled me to a greater ability to take a deep breath, step outside the grief and move on.
Why torture yourself with what can't be changed?
Talking to Horns tonight made me realize that though I've been a slut, I haven't let it make or break me, which is vital. I enjoy sex and intimacy and fun, but I don't allow it to become all I'm about like some can do.
While I'm more willing to wake up early for sex versus breakfast, it isn't the only passion that drives me in this life. I have learned that one can be a sexual being without sacrificing one's worth and personality and while I'm an extremely accommodating, loving and generous young woman, I respect my body, my life and my spirit far too much to throw myself to the wolves in an effort to find myself a goddess in the eyes of every man.
I used to sleep with a guy when I was younger and he would roll off and I would frown as he sighed with his release as I was disregarded, I felt used up and rejected. These times were good for me as they showed me what I was not looking for and drove me to find what I craved to complete my sexual and sensual self.
I know that some would read these ideals I hold so dear and find them to be a contradiction of my sexually submissive nature; I think not and feel that they are very necessary for me to have while in this position. Submission isn't about being broken down into the most basic elements for enjoyment by a dominant, but rather is about finding that paramour in a man that can feel your passion and your spirit, find it alluring and can see a way to enhance that fiery bit of you to his pleasure and ultimately, yours too.
I submit to please and in doing so, I find pleasure too.
Being human is such a crucial and complex thing. On some levels we are very base in our needs and drives while in others we excel in our complications and refinements. We are each so many layers all clinging together to make a being who is all at once so many contradicting things.
This is the beauty of our existence.
We suffer and grow and fall down and soar but in the end its all about having the power to be yourself at the end of it all.