Saturday, April 29, 2006

Fuck Puppet Guilt

Though Ive spent the majority of my teens seducing older men, letting them seduce me and being an overall mostly debauched little girl - I still have a tender little heart. My boyfriend and I are contemplating our future, which is getting serious rather quickly, and its making me unbelievably joyful, hopeful and lusty. But it lingers - and by "it" I mean my past. My attitude to fucking, my casuality with my body, my seeming lack of respect for myself ((which is really the case)) & my love of raunchy things in general. It seems amazing to me that I can live with a man who loves me, who will have me whenever the need or desire happens upon you and you dont have to be ashamed of it. Not that I feel ashamed of myself, its just the tiny twinges I feel from moral pressure that has hung over my head my entire life. I had one of those sweet and lady-like grandmothers who always reminded me of my posture, holding my head high and placing one foot before the other while walking. And yes, I am truly grateful to her in nearly every single arena.

Sometimes I feel as if maybe I should have acted differently, maybe I should REALLY have kept my virginity until marriage. Especially I feel so after meeting my boyfriend, I wish I was this glistening a pristine woman. But then I believe that my personality, my beliefs have all been impacted by my decisions, by the things Ive done. I am my mistakes, I am my triumphs, I am a woman. I truly believe had I not gone through all of the events of my life, even the terrible life crushing ones that broke my heart and reduced me to a crying puddle, I would not be the person who my boyfriend loves with such a passion and with such hope and need. I can honestly say that I love myself, I can honestly say that Im glad I have gone through so much pain - because my pain is part of me.

So I have fucked men, I have fucked men whom at times I didnt know very well and I have made myself who I am today. I see hope, I also see struggle, I see possibility and Ive always just wanted to be happy. It seems like Ive always been chasing happiness. Ive had moments of intense, though fleeting happiness and pleasure and all because of the things I been through.

There are so many different degrees of human sexual expression: fucking, sex, making love, a good pounding, the quickie. Theyre all so different, they all make you feel such different things. It was always amazing to me that I could enjoy my body and the body of another without feeling any pain, attachment or a huge wave of guilt. I tested it for a few years, and I was always amazed. I never let them touch that little string within me that makes my heart resonate - it was a very reassuring thing for me. I needed to know that I could be independnet of people so that I could never be hurt against my will, that I could never be damaged without permission. Could it be that now, I need to let go of that fear? Could it be that faith is on the agenda? Faith and love? Not just fucking and sucking and faceless orgasms?


No comments: