I had imagined as a young girl, that all the world was obsessed with love and shadow and secrets made in glances between two people.
Now that I'm what the Western World calls an "adult" my longing to be the young girl in an older man's embrace has not ended, but saddened me. I made it my goal when I was just entering adolescence (in my case, around eleven) that I wanted to be Lolita, I wanted the power and allure granted to a young girl who was hungered for by older men. All the men I could see were a possibility and a potential adventure. I wanted to see how much weakness could be pulled from one man, how much I could make them feel - and how much they could make me feel.
Now let me start by saying that I was far from a slut, or at least in my mind. My sexual awakening began early, as it does in girls who "flower" very early, for me they went hand in hand. I found something in the darkness of my bedroom, in the curves of my own body that I wanted someone to touch, maybe even love. For me, sex wasnt just a physical act, but it wasn't a touching emotional one either - it gave me power, it gave me a tightening feeling in my mind....and the grand word I loved - allure.
I loved how these men would see me, how they adored and almost worshipped me. The look in their eyes when they would graze my skin, the delight and amazement at my tight skin and smooth curves. I loved when they would lick or kiss me, the things they would say, the care with which they touched, teased and caressed me. Some seemed almost astonished that they could lay hands, lips and eyes upon every part of me...for them it was amazing. I loved the wonder and need in their eyes, I could feel the heat of it in their touch, the fervor with which they moved and pulsed.
It was a game, I was the prize....it was simple. They had to say the right things, want the right things. Their words had to prove to make something within my chest or legs tingle as if electric wires were passing current in my flesh. I would see a man, I would see something in his eyes and make a split second decision "You will have me, I will have you." It was in this way that I found myself in the arms, under the bodies and between the legs of fathers, husbands, business men, musicians and family friends.
It gave me a high to know that someone wanted me, it gave me a surge to see the look in their face that made them realize that, yes, I did want them too. Yes, please look at me. Yes, please desire me....want me. That's what it was all about.
Now reading this, perhaps you have the feeling that I was a very lost little girl, a very lonely young lady. This may be partly true - but there were many reasons and I never found myself hurt, sad or disgusted with myself for having done the things I did. My family is an old one, a rich one and a social one. I grew up among parties, champagne, men wearing business suits talking to long legged women who wore sparkling cocktail dresses. I wanted to be part of this, I was like the little shadow that slipped past everyone -I wanted my own place in the throng of it all.
I wanted to know myself as something more than someones daughter, more than someone's star pupil or big sister...I wanted to be this eye catching femme fatale.