If you sob when the man you've been involved with seriously for nearly two years is in the process of making love to you, could it mean that you're going through a sexual crisis?
Well if the answer is yes, then I'm in serious trouble.
A few weeks back, Gadget and I were near splitting but in the end it sort of resolved itself, if not for the sake of the relationship, then for the sake of both of our mental states. Were both going through big changes and overthrows in our lives and perhaps we just wanted to edit the drama down for the meantime. Sound depressing? It is, but mostly confusing.
Mirror Image: Two lips kissing of the same persuasion
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I'm having some mixed up feelings and thoughts pour through my mind that are confusing, tantalizing, frightening, hot, dangerous, anti-normal and just plain naughty; I cant stop thinking about girls.
Day and night, in my sleep, as I work, as I paint (naked girls), when I'm reading, its just overwhelming. Now my issue is not the fact that I'm fantasizing about girls, I've been with girls even longer than I have with men during the evolution of my sexual life but its the fact that I haven't really been fantasizing about men. Usually its a fifty/fifty thing, but lately its around eighty/twenty.
I identify with the gay community, all of my friends are gay men and I feel comfort knowing that I have huge gay tendencies. So wheres the problem? I'm afraid that if I "come out" and one day go back to a man, or randomly hook-up with one as I often do (but haven't done since
Aaden) that I'll be seen as a hypocrite, which is personally one of the most horrible things to be.
So why not just stay labeled as "Bi"? I don't know, but somehow it doest seem honest, somehow it doesn't speak for the reality thats raging in my mind. I know that I will be with another man again (hell, I am still with a man) but it seems a discourtesy to whatever girl I'm with to be Bi, like I'm not putting in as much as she is.
My fantasies have ranged from just those of sexual satisfaction to a relationship, the latter having not been something I've ever thought of. I have thoughts of kissing this mystery chick and holding her, cuddling with her and going out, being a real couple. Its a little bit scary because it threatens everything I thought my life would be once I "grow up".
Though I'm a bit of an anti-establishment shit, I still have the mind set that once I'm older, I'll get married 9to a man), have children, work and be an upstanding American. It sounds ridiculous but Its just how my mom raised me to think, and though I don't think it will actually happen like that, it still is always there lurking in my subconscious.
I've realized how easy it is to just be a young, straight girl living in the U.S.. I've taken it for granted really.
It's so easy to just let everyone think you're "normal". They ask you how your boyfriend is, how school is, how your friends are and everything is just fine; imagine what it would be like if my mother's elderly friends were to ask me how my boyfriend is and I have to say,
"Well,
she's not exactly a "boy"friend."
I admit its a horrible way of thinking, especially since I recognize my mostly homosexuality and I see what goes on in the lives of my outed friends. I need a burst of courage maybe or perhaps to be slapped to a realization.
Its funny isn't it? The neighborhood slut is thinking that perhaps she's gay?
Its isn't really all that though maybe, maybe I just need to get my sex on with a girl again, god knows its been a while. Maybe I'm just taking out my relationship problems in this way.
Maybe this whole thing is just hormonal and will die down soon, but for now I'm going through one heavy duty mind fuck and need some clarity.
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