I identify as a Dominant who will occasionally bottom privately, I no longer serve anyone but there is still a lingering soft spot for the sensations and mindsets of one being beneath another. I don't live for that sense of loss of self but it is still there behind most everything else and occasionally peeps its little head out.
|Vintage image via queerpopculture.com|
I think this realization came so late because I just let myself fall into a role someone decided for me; the role of being the one who serves. As a woman, it is the more prescribed of any of the roles in life and it did feel natural for a very long while. There came a day when I felt less like only pleasing someone else and more like I had accumulated enough knowledge and strength to possess someone myself and have them feel all that I had before.
I had never gotten as worked up over Fem Dom porn as I did this past Fall and circulating more and more among those who not only encouraged my learning and self discovery but also saw something more in me than a girl who just lets things be done to her.
In life I am a leader, I get things done and I make my voice heard. I take initiative and am never too shy to talk to anyone. I feel that my sexual prowess and energy make others feel that I am an intimidating young woman and on some level I've always felt it deep down. Nearly my entire sexual journey has been about manipulating men (not all manipulation is bad!) and seeing how far I could push myself and others.
I thought that these characteristics just made for an interesting side-note on resume of a submissive women when they were more like the telling points of my actual place in life and in the BDSM world at large.
I'm a caring, genuine person and when you are my friend I will do anything to help you out so when people find out certain things about me, such as the fact that I like to embed needles into people's skin and then lace them together like a corset it boggles most people's minds. The embodiment of the female energy is that of duality and I definitely have it in spades. I'm light and dark, sweet and spicy, and sweet and evil, all at the same time.
Isn't life wonderful?
That being said, my new boy Scene is such an amazing gift in my life. I love him and worship him while all at once I feel a very powerful drive to Dominate him, hurt him, and bring his mind to amazing new places.
We had a scene this week where he was in sub-space long before I ever started applying any pain of any kind. He amazes me and while he's still very green to the lifestyle of kink, his desire to be mine completely drives me wild and endears him to me like no one before him.
When I began to find my place in the lifestyle at 15, I had this very well defined distaste for submissive men, thinking that since they couldn't fulfill what I believed to be their "proper" gender roles that they were less than worthy of respect. I have found in the past few years that this is absolutely not true. In many ways a submissive man has a lot more pain and trials to work through before he can finally find himself in the lifestyle. To go against all of the constraints of your upbringing, sex, and societal pressure is a truly incredible feat of daring and determination to be sure.
The man who finds himself softened and willed to bend to the desires of his woman is truly an amazing man indeed. The pleasure and satisfaction that can be found is such submission is the most tantalizing of all and I feel blessed to have his heart and mind in the palm of my hand.