Letters To People: Masturbation Neighbor

Dear guy-in-the-apartment-next-to-mine,

Last night I was awoken by your furious masturbation at about 4:30 am. Were you slamming your head against the wall with each stroke of your sweaty palm? Because I know for a fact that that was no woman in there with you. I'm a realist, let's be realists together. Was this retaliation for all the times my wrought iron bed hit the wall in rapid succession for hours on end during some sweet love making over this past year?

I know our beds must have their heads on the same connecting wall now and I was wondering if you could maybe change that up. Yeah, that would be nice.

Behind this wall, the atrocity occurred!

I was very worried along with my annoyance and disgust because you were making this awful wheezing noise like each breath was hard to come by. I was torn between banging on the wall and shouting "Stop pulling your greasy man-meat!" and knocking on your door and asking if you needed resuscitation. I'm a medical professional and unfortunately (fortunately?) these things occur to me even when in the depths of anger and irritation.

Next time may I suggest that you sit on the floor on the opposite side of the apartment from my bed especially in the middle of the night when its been a hard time getting to sleep for me. A touch of consideration is all I ask.

While we're on the topic, please turn down the bass on your surround sound, your asian action films suck and the treble on your shit is disturbing my tiny dog. Thanks again! :)

-la petite, your pissed off neighbor